In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
What a dumb baby whore.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
