Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
