I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
