Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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