Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
