when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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