i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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