pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I party with great urgency now.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
