Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
