3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize