just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
