Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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