got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
