you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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