My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
