She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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