Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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