Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
