my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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