Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i think i just lost a toe
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
