I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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