I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
