Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
