is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
