So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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