god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
