You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
