I think I died a long time ago.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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