ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
