Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
