textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize