wakey wakey hands off snakey
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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