god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize