I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
