I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
why is half of my head shaved?
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