If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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