Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
