I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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