i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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