I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
