If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
