My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
