it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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