Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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