Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
