my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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