my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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