you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
