Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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