I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
