i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
