pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
