Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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