I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I need to calm my uterus...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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