i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
