There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
