I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
