you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
