dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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