i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
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woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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