drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Damn victory sex feels great
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
